Narcissism How To Deal With It
Provoking, incensing, aggravating are the dictionary words for narking, how appropriate!
My goodness I have been doing a little research lately into narcissism & what it is. WOW I did not know how pervasive this trait is in society. This search into narcissism began as a quest on how to deal with a passive aggressive co-worker.
You see passive aggression is one of the narcissists (narcs) tools. Narcs are not people who are straight up, they do not like to sort things out in a direct manner because they thrive on drama. Drama & emotionally upsetting others appears to be the narcs source of sunshine.
Narcs have no ability to self-reflect or take responsibility. Preferring to blame & project their shit onto others & drag them down.
You see I always thought a narc was someone who loved to look at their own reflection & be annoyingly vain. But narcissism is much broader than this.
Defensive & angry at opposing opinions or viewpoints; shit projection rather than responsibility; poor interpersonal boundaries; low self-esteem; highly sensitive to criticism; believe in self- importance; a sense of entitlement; zero empathic ability; inability to admit mistakes or be introspective; envious of others or thinks others are envious of them; arrogance & lacking in social graces are just some of the narcs traits! Does this sound like someone you might know?
This brings me to gaslighting. Now gaslighting is something the narc uses to avoid any responsibility in the dramas they are involved in or often intentionally create. For if they took ownership of their drama contribution. That would mean in their mind they are wrong and would have to maybe do some work on themselves. God forbid they be introspective. Look at the way their perceptions contribute to the dramas they seem to thrive on, & avoid boredom with at all costs.
Lord knows a bit of soul searching is exactly what these narcs need. To start developing the ability for healthy & respectful relationships.
Gaslighting is when the narc makes you think you are mad, second guess yourself or your own perception & feelings, when you try to address for example their cutting ways and words. They blatantly deny they said what they just said, or say you misinterpreted what they said, or you need to get over it, your memory is faulty, or I don’t always go on about….does this sound familiar?
So, what does the person, with more emotional maturity. Who wants to resolve the conflict directly by bringing it into the light of day, do when they are left hanging by an exposed thread. Frustrated, unheard, exacerbated and angry. This is how I felt anyway in these moments!
The way I have dealt with a gaslighting narc is basically to not have anything more to do with the person, that cannot have an emotionally mature and respectful relationship for my own sanity and self-respect. Now this whole scenario is more difficult to resolve when ones’ family members or work colleagues are gaslighting you. What do you do in this situation. How do you resolve your own frustration with not being heard or understood by the narking gaslighter? Good question eh.
Ok so several days have passed & I got onto a technique called Grey Rock. Grey rock is basically where you become as interesting as a grey rock. Give neutral yes, no, ok, I don’t know, maybe kind of answers. You know the kind of dead end answers where it shuts the conversation down. Have a flat voice with no emotion. Do not show any interest in the person or ask them any questions. If they ask you what you did on the weekend. Say something uninteresting like separated my laundry, or mowed the lawn, or read the newspaper. Give them as little boring information as you can.
Now for me as a bright, bubbly, person who finds people fascinating, the way they tick & what they think. Along with strong empathy, found this excruciatingly difficult. Initially I felt rather rude by giving as little eye contact as possible & not making conversation. Or just giving blunt answers as a response. I think also it was made difficult by the fact I could pick up on my co-workers’ discomfort.
Although I was infused with a sense of empowerment at how effective this technique is. Because rather than my work colleague staying around for her usual 30-minute whinge & complain offload. That would leave me feeling angry & drained before leaving. It was reduced to them leaving in 5 minutes, in one grey rock session, YES.
Now upon reflection I was amazed at how I still have this sense of responsibility to make others comfortable and happy at the expense of my own sanity and happiness. What the, still, Oh my! I was infused with guilt and feelings of being mean after my second oh so effective grey rock session.
What is mean is making myself suffer out of some bullshit conditioning that says I must listen when people speak. I mean who made that freaking rule. People spew forth negative shit all the time! Sometimes you can switch the tell lie vision channel, other times flick the dial on the radio especially when John Laws is on EEEEKKK, he makes me grimace. This is our power of choice. To remove oneself from toxic and draining interactions is wise & not mean. So, I choose to take back my energy by not listening to draining whingers. To be the best grey rock I can.
Clear It Counselling is a face to face & online relationship counselling service, based in Jindalee Brisbane Australia, & accessible world-wide via online counselling services. Alternative counselling for addictions is also provided by Clear It Counselling. My therapeutic approach draws on many teachings, approaches & techniques. Such as The Perception Trainers, Emotional Anatomy, Psychosomatic Therapy, Psyche-K, ACT, EMDR, Kinergetics, nutrition & even numerology. I passionately pursue my own integration through physical, mental & emotional work. Giving me a lived experience of what works & is therefore worth sharing with my clients! I am fascinated by people & excel at finding unique new ways for people to be in the world, in a highly satisfying way pertinent to them! If you feel called to work with me please make contact, Clear It Counselling would love to hear from you!