Inner strength, to be oneself, to sit upright, to breathe deep, to respond rather than react. Is a poised and powerful place from which to engage with life! To be grounded in a strong sense of self, unshakable by the trivialities of day to day external circumstances.
Have you ever observed in awe and wonder, whilst watching a cool cucumber in an extremely intense situation keep their shit together? Have you felt compelled to talk to them once the situation has de-escalated? To find some little nugget of wisdom, on how they stayed so cool and calm in such intensity? I know I have and do!
As I reflect on moments where I kept my shit together, compared to the moments when I lost my shit and reacted as opposed to responded. The difference I believe has two distinct elements!
One is that my breathing was fast and shallow as opposed to deep and slow. In the moments when I responded and handled intense situations, in a way that filled me with pride and awe at myself!
Second, I had been triggered. Now what do I mean by triggered? Being triggered is indicated by the moments in life when we totally overact to the content of the situation at hand! Explosively reacting and later reflecting, often feeling embarrassed or shamed by our behaviour and words. Knowing that often times the situation wasn’t even really worth getting upset about! Often this behaviour is reminiscent of a child with no emotional regulation skills.
Now there is a reason these triggered moments resemble a four-year-old, or an eight-year-old, or two-year-old! You see traumas are recorded with the skills we had at the time of the event! Skills like crying, screaming, stomping, hitting, punching and pouting, and these traumas when triggered, need to be released and expressed in the way that they were stored!
These triggered moments that cause you to cringe in reflection are a chance for you to love, soothe and respond to your inner wounded part that needs your love, compassion, guidance, patience and understanding! Exactly the things you probably never or rarely received as a child! Not recrimination, judgement and scolding the things you probably often did receive as a child! You see you had very limited if any rational, logical, language skills at the time of traumatic or highly charged events as a child. So, these events got recorded in your body emotionally, hence why they come out in such a messy, un-adult like manner!
Triggering events often cause us to feel missed, disrespected or unimportant. This is how we felt as a child when these dis empowering events were recorded in our little bodies. So next time someone says to us calm down, or don’t get so angry, or be quiet, or your too much. This triggers the part of us that has heard or felt similar experiences of being dismissed as a child!
These triggered moments are golden opportunities to re-parent ourselves. To give ourselves what we needed as a child but did not receive. What we need after these events are soothing, encouragement, acceptance, kindness and guidance. Guidance on how we can regulate ourselves in intense situation next time. Think of a little child of three or four that you love. How would you talk to them when they get angry, upset or are having a tantrum? Would you scold them, tell them to grow up or calm down? Or would you talk calmly to them, helping them to take a few deep breaths, giving them skills in emotional regulation through deep breathing? Or maybe help them to work out what has upset them, to see a new perspective, to fill in the missing pieces of their perception, or just display loving talk of reassurance which also displays skills in soothing self-dialogue?
I know which one definitely feels better and more supportive to me!
Clear It Counselling is a face to face & online relationship counselling service, based in Jindalee Brisbane Australia, & accessible world-wide via online counselling services. Alternative counselling for addictions is also provided by Clear It Counselling. My therapeutic approach draws on many teachings, approaches & techniques. Such as The Perception Trainers, Emotional Anatomy, Psychosomatic Therapy, Psyche-K, ACT, EMDR, Kinergetics, nutrition & even numerology. I passionately pursue my own integration through physical, mental & emotional work. Giving me a lived experience of what works & is therefore worth sharing with my clients! I am fascinated by people & excel at finding unique new ways for people to be in the world, in a highly satisfying way, pertinent to them! If you feel called to work with me, please make contact. Clear It Counselling would love to hear from you!